Why Is It So Hard to Ask for Help as We Age?
What Is Aging, Really?
To me, aging is a privilege—one denied to many—and not something I’m willing to take for granted. And yet, as we age, we often wrestle with the very changes that come with it.
Take the classic misplaced cell phone. You launch a full search party only to find it tucked safely in your back pocket. Or those “reading glasses” that once felt optional… and now feel essential. Or the way your bones and muscles protest a little louder when the alarm goes off in the morning.
We can—and should—eat well, stay active, and get proper rest, though even our best efforts can’t mask subtle signs of aging that we often resist.
Which brings us to a word that quietly enters many a conversation: independence. Protecting it feels like a battle we’re determined to win at all costs.
Don’t get me wrong—I value my independence deeply. Though, I’ve started to wonder if we’ve misunderstood what independence really means.
We Have Never Done Life Alone
We enter this world completely dependent on others. As we grow, that dependence doesn’t disappear—it simply evolves.
Our first steps, first words, opinions, and dreams are shaped by the people around us. Even as adults, we lean on friends, family, doctors, mentors, and colleagues. We ask for advice. We share burdens. We join carpools. We research and seek teams to build ideas together. We collaborate.
We willingly offer to help others – so why, as we age, does accepting help suddenly feel like failure?
Psychologist Dr. Abby Medcalf notes two common reasons:
First, we believe asking for help makes us look weak. Research shows children as young as seven already think this. Somewhere early on, we learn that vulnerability equals weakness.
However, what if vulnerability is actually strength? Aren’t the moments when we share our vulnerabilities the very ones that build trust, connection, and meaningful relationships? Isn’t that what we all truly want?
Second, we fear being a burden. This one hits home. When someone asks me for help, I feel honored—not burdened. So why don’t we extend that same grace to ourselves? Why are we so willing to lend a hand, yet so hesitant to receive one?
Maybe this isn’t about independence at all. Maybe it’s about worth.
Self-worth means recognizing your value regardless of outside opinions or changing circumstances. When your sense of worth is solid, you have the emotional strength to face challenges — including the changes that come with aging.
So maybe, just maybe, it’s time to reframe how we think about independence.
Independence isn’t isolation. It isn’t a “do it all yourself” mindset. True independence isn’t proven by how much you can carry alone — it’s reflected in how confidently you make choices that support your well-being.
Accepting help doesn’t strip you of independence. It can actually strengthen it. It allows you to remain in control of your life, conserve your energy for what matters most, and continue contributing to your relationships in meaningful ways — not from a place of exhaustion, but from a place of strength.
Independence isn’t about proving you don’t need anyone.
It’s about knowing your worth enough to choose support, to choose you.
Accepting help isn’t about losing control or dignity. In many ways, it may be what allows us to maintain both.
Help can mean staying in your home longer.
It can mean conserving energy for what matters most.
It can mean safety, companionship, and peace of mind.
It can mean truly living—not just managing.
Maybe asking for help isn’t losing independence at all. Maybe it’s the most independent choice we can make.
A personal note from the Author – Lisa Viliott – ABC Community and Marketing Liaison:
I hope you found something in it that resonates with you. If you have any questions, thoughts, or would like to chat more about a topic, please don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m always happy to connect and offer any advice or support I can!
